Finding a Balance

Let's accept as a given that we can err by either ignoring the rules of the Church altogether or by treating religious rites as the end goal rather than a means to an end. If someone wants to be a spiritual libertarian and argue against the value of the Church Tradition altogether or if in the other extreme someone insists on a Pharisaic interpretation of the Church's teaching on fasting and other rites, then I cannot address both extremes at once. However if we can agree that the spiritual ascesis that we aspire to is a journey that we travel under the guidance of a spiritual father, then we can agree for the sake of this discussion that there is a progression of which rules we follow at which stage in our spiritual life.

My personal litmus test in answering "which rules should I follow right now?" is first answering "why do I seek to follow this rule?" I say this to the person who says "no" to most of the rules in the same open ended manner as the person who says "yes" to most of the rules. If each of these two people share the same struggle as I do the answer is "I don't really know why I do or don't want to follow this rule or that." We struggle in our self-awareness as we have discussed with the elevator concept so this has a natural negative effect on our capacity for decision-making when deciding whether a certain ascetic act is personally beneficial.

How do I know if I am simply following rules to check a box without really ever experiencing or even expecting an effect of my actions on my relationship with God? For example, I may discuss with my spiritual father whether I should abstain from foods for a certain time as part of my fast. I will discuss elsewhere the effect of this question has on the length of the fast but for now the question is very simple: should I have a cup of tea in the morning on the way to work? I may do so as a result of an inflated sense of self thinking - be it consciously or subconsciously - "I am a good enough Christian to do so" rendering my intended act of asceticism a sin of pride. In contrast, if I follow the words of St. Anthony and do "what I find in my heart to do and follow God" I may still have that cup of tea in thanksgiving, reverence and maybe even acknowledgement before God that I am not strong enough to abstain in my fast. Therefore I argue that the following of a rule or not has no obligatory effect on my relationship with God and must be understood to be dependent on my intent.

The solution comes not when we focus on the religious act itself but on the relationship behind the act. Before I ask "should I do this?" I must first ask "does God exist?" If my answer is no then my doing or not doing of the act has become entirely irrelevant. If my answer is yes then the next question should be "does He want a relationship with me?" If I don't think so then it becomes clear why I don't feel so strongly about religion. Now if, as in the Orthodox concept, I see my religion as a means to engage God then I must ask "will this act bring me closer to Him?" Some may say "you don't know what will bring you closer to God, so you should just do everything and hope that something will work." To me that is like someone who wants to win the lottery and decides to buy every number combination to guarantee his success.

Personally, I don't think our relationship with God is a lottery game that we hope to "win" in the end. It is an ongoing dynamic struggle with ourselves to allow God to work in us. Just as the lack of existence of God renders the greatest sacrifice meaningless, the existence of God sanctifies whatever meaningless little sacrifice I make to be closer to Him. Once again, it really boils down to whether or not I believe He exists and wants a relationship with me. If not then nothing matters but paradoxically if so then once again nothing matters as long as I am sincere in my desire to find Him.

St. Augustine taught us that we can do whatever we want if we love God. The consequence of the Love of God is obedience but the consequence of obedience is not necessarily love. I pray that God gives me strength and helps me to grow in my Love for him so that I may pray and fast more strictly with joy. I also pray that he forgives me for my lack of joy as I follow some rules begrudgingly. But most of all I rejoice that despite my constant inability to follow rules for the sake of rules because of my weakness He is patient with me and allows me to grow in my relationship with Him at my own snail's pace.