One self-realization that I find difficult to swallow is realizing that I spend very little time in the Present. This is a topic expounded on by both CS Lewis in the Screwtape Letters ("the Present is the point at which time touches Eternity") and by Metropolitan Anthony Bloom's chapter on Managing Time in Beginning to Pray ("be so completely in the present that all your energies and all your being are summed up in the word now"). Please follow the links to the complete passages as these authors illustrate the importance of the Present so much more profoundly than I can paraphrase them.
The question I'm struggling with is "how do I live in the Present if my attention span is four seconds?" You may just say this is just a simple ADD problem with no spiritual basis, but I am convinced that there is true spiritual warfare here as spoken of in Ephesians 6. That is the only way I can explain the fact that I'm able to study and read and do other things that require more than four seconds of attention, but when I try to follow Metropolitan Bloom's advice of doing nothing for five minutes (or even two minutes) I find my mind wandering in mere seconds. You may say "yes of course, like basketball or anything else, this takes practice" but at times I feel as though I am having trouble getting my shoes laced up to even get on the court.
Strategies I have tried before that sometimes work are turning off all stimuli (lights, sounds, etc) to be perfectly still in the Presence of God. Another exercise that has helped me is the recitation of the Jesus Prayer, but I have to be honest in saying that it does not always work in keeping my attention - forgive me - because I cannot simply conjure up a feeling of repentance out of thin air. It may be honesty or simple spiritual shallowness that prevents me from asking for mercy as an exercise without necessarily feeling like I mean it at that moment. I do understand Metropolitan Bloom's point that I am able to honestly say it if I don't "really mean" it at that specific instant but this truism does nothing to keep my painfully stunted attention span in the Present.
Today I discovered another exercise that I found helpful that I'd like to share. It's the "honesty prayer of the moment." For me today I was able to recite "thank you Lord for this moment of sanity." Just as I would repeat the Jesus prayer, I repeated this mantra of gratitude that helped keep my attention on the Present for a few minutes, despite a flurry of mental activity (mostly related to the thought that this is so cool, I'm so smart and I should share this in a blog). So here I am an hour later acting on my self-centered thoughts of distraction, which I know at face value is not the strongest endorsement. Even then, I do look forward to trying this again in those moments when I want to recite the Jesus Prayer but I simply feel too shallow to connect with it. My hope is that God will accept a lighter version that is focused on communicating with Him how I feel in that moment and pray that He will help me to stay in that moment and not allow the Enemy to drag me back into the future again.
