Carrying My Cross

We are told to take our cross and follow Christ. What does that mean?

We know the basics of denying ourselves and practicing discipline through fasting and prayer. Is this the cross? I say no. This is merely the wood. Each individual's cross is more than just the generic raw material that God uses for everyone. My cross is very personal to me and is fashioned by God for me to carry to my personal Golgotha.

I prepare myself in Gesthemane asking for life to be different asking "why can't you make my cross less this or more that?" but the answer is always the same which is "My Grace is sufficient." He does not force the cross upon us but rather calls us as friends to take up our cross and follow Him. He doesn't say "a cross" but "your cross" with the deliberate message that we are not just unique in our gifts but also our struggles.

Do we know our cross? Do we understand what it means to follow Him? Most of the disciples did not. They thought they did. They thought they would see Christ through to the end of His life on earth but only one of them did. I wonder sometimes if that is why all the others became martyrs. I wonder if St. John's martyrdom was at the Golgotha of Christ. One thing I can say with reasonable certainty is that God does not need our martyrdom but rather our desire to put him above all else including our own life. If we can prove, not just to Him but also ourselves, that we are willing to give up our life then He may or may not ask us to follow through.

What keeps us from following him? Do we not want to pick up the cross? Do we put it down when we get too tired? Are we too attached to our Isaac to follow through on God's request? The essence of our personal cross is that it must cut to the core of our being. It can't be a superficial sacrifice like a practicing vegan following the rules of Lent. God knows what we are holding on to. What we don't want to lose. What may be permissible to us but not necessarily beneficial. He wants us to move away from these things and run towards Him. Without looking back. Without taking our hands off the plow. Without wondering what we are missing "out there."

Abba Ammonas taught us that the narrow and hard way (Matthew 7:14) is to "control your thoughts, and to strip yourself of your own will, for the sake of God."  Every time we pray Our Father we say "Thy will be done" but too often we want Him to make His will our will. I pray that I allow my will to be broken through my struggles. I pray that He makes His will more clear to me. I pray that I may accept that will as hard as it may sound at first. I pray that He gives me the strength to carry it and follow Him to the end.